Denise Vivaldo doesn’t let other people define her.
You’re doing fine until someone makes a snide remark on social media. Then a literary agent says your book idea won’t sell, and two editors haven’t responded to your story pitches.
Soon you’re having trouble getting through the day.
What you need is a mini Denise Vivaldo on your shoulder. This successful food stylist and food writer is one of the most optimistic people I know. She seems to let slights, criticisms and rejection slide right off. I thought I should interview her to find out how she does it:
Q. You say you have thick skin. How do you define that?
A. I got a thick skin early in life and it has worked for me. As a child I danced and by the time I was eight or nine years old, I was already losing. Somebody else always got the best part and the best costume.
I realized that you can do the best work early on, work like a motherfucker, and you still may not win. At the end of the day, you pull off those point shoes, and you can’t even get the tights off because the blisters have made the tights stick. My ballet teacher said to me, “Ballet is 95 percent perspiration and 5 percent talent.”
In high school I realized dancing was not going to work for me. Later I sold real estate for a few years. I did very well as selling comes naturally for me, because I believed in my product. Then I got over to food. In 1983, 99 percent of the men who ran restaurants didn’t know why I was even going to culinary school. The kitchen looked like a chain gang. So if I didn’t have a thick skin by then, that would be the time to get one.
I went on a cruise ship as an intern, and a big Samoan guy who peeled potatoes in the kitchen would walk me back to my room. I roomed with the cocktail waitresses because there were no other women in the kitchen. I learned so much. The girls took johns into the bathroom and were turning tricks to make money. This was a pretty low point in my life!
Then I remember thinking, never mind, how other people act is not going to define my career. I was down to my last $8,000 but I was persistent, and determined. It was more blind faith than talent.
I made a business card where I called myself chef, stylist and writer. Five years later I got a job as an executive chef, making $100,000 with 15 Hispanic men working for me. And then I started to style. I took a writing course at UCLA and the teacher said, “You’re a different kind of writer. Accept who you are and write what you want. One day the market may catch up to you.”
Q. Okay, that’s a great story. But there really are things that hurt your feelings, right? Can you give some examples?
A. Of course there are. Like when you get a bad review on Amazon for a book that 40 other people said, “this book changed my life.” I have to discount the negative and reread the positive. That person needed something I couldn’t give them and I have to move on.
Q. Do you have role models who are thick skinned?
A. I worked with Susanne Somers on many of her cookbooks. Richard Simmons. Jenny Craig. It’s been up and down for them. They’ve gone through divorce or cancer and they just keep chugging along. They don’t let other people determine their path.
Paula Deen’s an example. She has walked through the fires of hell and she’s saying to hell with you, I’m going to do what I continue to do. And apparently millions of people love her.
Q. She just got her own imprint from Hachette.
A. That’s right. Also, you can’t let a perfect stranger get to you. I’m not going to take their words over my own self esteem? No way.
You couldn’t let the chef see you cry in chef school. It was all over, like sharks and blood.
Q. You always seem extra-positive on social media. Does this help and if so, how?
A. I was born positive! My father used to say this about me: ‘In a room full of horse shit, I’m always looking for a pony.’ However, life is hard, and it can be disappointing. I’m 63. If I have 20 good years left, I’m not wasting any time.
Sometimes I say to myself, I’m going to feel sorry for myself for exactly 30 minutes. What went wrong, why am I disappointed, and couldn’t I have changed the equation? And then I get over it and move on.
Q. I love that. Any last words of advice?
A. The more you put yourself out there, the more you will get rejected. But who cares? Just keep moving. You can’t get anywhere if you worry about what others think.
I’m just crazy about Denise – and she is so generous in sharing what she knows with other food bloggers and writers.
So true. I interviewed her while she sat on a bench in Las Vegas, and she followed up with more thoughts on Facebook. She’s always game!
love love Denise! Great questions as always,and her responses are inspirational.
Hi Wendy, yes she is one of a kind. She has a million stories. Thanks.
Denise has always been generous sharing advice and kind words. Her style is definitely her own and her determination is inspiring. She’s also hilarious! Love this interview!
Agreed! Thanks Laura. I have learned so much from her over the years. Still practicing the messages in this interview, though.
Rock on Denise…love your honesty! Great interview.
Thank you Angela. I don’t know how she manages to be so colorful and honest at the same time, but it’s a gift.
That’s a great story. I’m always curious about how women survived the male-dominated kitchen before the “revolution.” Denise certainly came out the other side alive and thriving.
Oh yes and you can bet she has lots more stories like this. Food writing seems so genteel in comparison.
I have to print this out and hang it above my desk. I love Denise and love her Facebook updates – they just always cheer me up and empower me in an odd kind of way. Like if she has made it through so much shit and can still laugh about it all and keep on going, then so can I. She makes me feel less alone and less a failure (on those bad days). Thanks so much for posting this.
You are most welcome Jamie. It’s always a treat to talk with Denise. Everyone should follow her on Facebook, where you can see her optimism on display every day. That is what inspired me to interview her. That and a certain food writer suggested I write about failure and rejection.
Great interviewee and interviewer!
Thank you Joanne! Nice to have you as a reader.
awesome, made my day!!!!
Oh good. I like making people’s day! Thank you Kelly.
Such a great interview. Denise is not only an optimistic person, but a generous one. She also has a habit of treating everyone as equals, making it really easy to feel comfortable around her. If everyone took a page from her playbook, the world would reel in shock.
Agreed! And there would be a lot more swearing, which I don’t mind at all (my husband, who is my proofreader, asked if I was going to leave mf in the interview. Yep.) Thanks Rachael.
Denise never disappoints — in this relatively short interview we got prostitution, horse shit, perspiration and a “motherfucker”. I love my colorful sisters and Denise is painted with a rainbow. Great interview Diane.
Hah! Thank you Becky. It’s easy to interview someone as colorful and as wise as Denise. I’m sill waiting for her memoir.
There is only one Denise and I love her spirit of sharing and her contagious sense of humor. She’s also one of the hardest working women I know. A role model. Thanks Dianne and Denise for paving the way for so many of us!
She does work like a crazy person, right? But she loves it. She has a devoted staff (including Cindie who gets to go to Rancho La Puerta with her!)
There’s still more to learn from Denise. Maybe about delegation, for those of us who do everything ourselves.
I have not heard of Denise before. Great interview. It is hard not to take things personally and I was just trying to give myself a pep talk about it when I read this. Good timing. Thanks
Denise has fantastic advice about what to say to yourself on bad days. We know all the critical things to say when things are not going well, but we may not remember this other stuff, which is much more valuable.
“That person needed something I couldn’t give them…” Brilliant life advice from Denise. I am adopting that as my new mantra. Thank you.
Isn’t that a great point of view? I loved that advice. Now we have to practice, practice, practice it.
Denise is right on the money! I remember the first time I saw her, she was winning an award for her book at IACP and she was lobbing out F-bombs with great aplomb. I’d never seen anyone be so fearlessly herself, caution to the wind, who cares if they think I am a good girl or not?
Thanks for inspiring us all to pick ourselves up, dust off the rejections, amazon reviews, and fatigue, and keep moving forward, Denise!
Hah! Great story, Robin. Yep, that’s Denise. So many of us adore her.
We can never have enough reminders not to take things personally and just keep moving. It’s funny how obvious it seems when we read that message (dispensed with such color, of course).
Denise Vivaldo has offered me more professional encouragement in my life than almost anyone I know. She can dish out the good and the bad, but it all comes from a heart of gold. I remember one time, I lost a bid to a competitor. I was so disappointed and kept trying to figure out how I could re-interest the client. She just said, it’s okay—move on—and be careful what you wish for. Indeed, I learned that some of the jobs you work hardest to get, turn out to be the biggest clusterf*cks ever. Something else always comes along, says Denise. She’s right.
(The curse word is in honor of Denise, of course. I would never speak like that.)
You are lucky to be such close friends.
It’s hard to believe that “something will come along” when we are so used to working for every little crumb. It takes many years to build up a profile so that work arrives from different directions.
V. funny about the swear word. That is a vintage Denise term, no doubt.
Denise is marvelous. She absolutely shines with hardcore positive sparkle. She wears her chef knives on her sleeves like medals of honor and she doesn’t take any [insert expletives here because Denise would] from anybody. She makes me a delicious cappuccino whenever I visit and graces me with her beautiful and uplifting smile. She’s hilarious, makes me laugh, and so generous with her wisdom and positivity. Great interview!
Thanks Stephanie. She made it easy for me.
Lucky you that you get to visit her!
Kudos to Dianne for featuring you on her site. Kudos to Denise. You are one inspiring bad a**, one I would love to meet. Loved this post.
I’m replying in Denise’s honor. You’re most welcome, Maribeth. If you go to IACP she is usually there and you can arrange to meet her easily.
Solid advice. I had several book proposals rejected last year, including one specifically commissioned by an editor. Was not a good year for me, but I focused hard on a project I have great faith will succeed, and am chugging along on it, come hell or high water. It’s the pinball effect: “No” only means you ping off that one obstacle. You might hit a dozen or more “nos” but if you keep your forward velocity, you will eventually score.
Several book proposals rejected! Oh my gosh, that would have slowed me to a crawl.
In the end, you still had faith in your own abilities, despite all the rejection. That’s what counts, rather than letting other people define you. Yeah!
Have fun writing the venison book.
Several book proposals rejected! Oh my gosh, that would have slowed me to a crawl.
In the end, you still had faith in your own abilities, despite all the rejection. That’s what counts, rather than letting other people define you. Yeah!
Have fun writing the venison book.
Dianne, thanks so much for this. I had a terrible week last week with a few days where I could have used a mini Denise on my shoulder for a kick-ass pep talk. I fought to keep my spirits high all week and was pretty exhausted. At the end of the week, on Friday at 7pm, I got great news that a story and I recipe I had been trying to place finally had a home. The crumbs are sometimes big and sometimes small.
I would LOVE a memoir of all Denise Vivaldo stories. I can only imagine the stories she would tell!
Congrats on finding a home for your story and recipe. Sending out queries can be exhausting, putting yourself and your writing on the line, but you did it. She’s been working on the memoir off and on, I think. And you can always read her on The Huffington Post, although she hasn’t posted for a while.
Nicest things anyone has ever said about me! LOL. I thank you all. My high school counselor told my Mother that I’d never amount to much -because I was so sure of myself, stubborn and determined. Her name was Mrs. Stump. I think she is dead by now…I must find her grave and dance on it. This interview was Dianne’s idea. I am grateful that people respond. We all need to help each other. Life is hard, wonderful and hard some more. Ox
Consider this group just a small portion of your fan club, Denise. You gave some great advice in this post and we appreciate you sharing your wisdom.
I love this post. Bravo, Denise! You are so inspiring. I needed this today. Thanks for sharing, Dianne. Hope all is well with you.
Denise is as unique as she is inspiring. Love her politics, spirit and laugh.
She’s a feisty one, that’s for sure. Thanks Judy.
Thanks for this post! Always encouraging to learn how to handle
reverses and criticism, to keep faith in your own creativity or path
when nothing is a given. Would seriously love to read Denise’s life story
if she or someone would write it! She has an authentic voice and really
knows the score.
She would have to be the one to write it, Bing. Although maybe it would happen faster if she paid someone! Right, Denise?!
I love this interview. What a great, confident spirit and attitude. I’m adopting her saying, if I have 20 good years left, I’m not wasting them! 🙂
Thanks Susan. I like that saying too, now that I’m past middle age. No time to waste!
Oh, yes. A thicker skin is a truly welcome side effect of getting older—and food blogging alike. Denise sounds like my kind of person, and this interview is amazing.
On a similar note, have you heard of the new book “Getting There” by Gillian Zoe Segal? It’s her second book (her first is “New York Characters”), and it’s a collection of interviews she did with highly successful people like Warren Buffett, Leslie Moonves and Matthew Weiner (so far, my favorite interview in the book) about how they achieved success, often through repeated failure. Perhaps the most interesting part is how Gillian was able to land these amazing interviews. This article on Forbes.com, plus the intro to her book, are fascinating.
Nicole
Oh thank you Nicole. Definitely caring less about minor stuff is a benefit of getting older. I have not heard of that book but will look into it.
I second the idea of a Denise Vivaldo memoir! I’ll be first in line for my signed copy. XOXOX
Hah! Yes, let’s all get on Denise to do her writing. She can work while she runs around on planes and boats.
“Denise Vivaldo: Work Like a Motherfucker”–it sells itself!
Oh my god. Laughing so hard I’m going to choke.
I hesitated to mention it because, of course, there’s so much more to Denise than sass. But for a title, we don’t want to ignore the obvious. 🙂