Are you a funny food writer? Let’s see your stuff.

And if you’re not, maybe these funny writing samples below will inspire you. Here are several that have tickled me lately:

1. David Lebovitz has been been honing his offbeat, irreverent humor for years on his blog and in books. A sample from The Sweet Life in Paris: Delicious Adventures in the World’s Most Glorious — And Perplexing — City shows his puzzlement of Parisian hot chocolate:

“Many visitors get a lost, misty-eyed look when describing the ultrathick, steamy chocolate chaud that glops and blurts as it’s poured into dainty white cups…

Me? I can barely swallow the sludge.

You need to clam my mouth closed and massage my neck to get that hyperthick stuff down the hatch– like forcing a dog to swallow a pill. That throat-clogging liquid hits my tummy with a thud and refuses to budge for the rest of the day. I just don’t get its appeal.”

I’d call this example curmudgeonly, in an adorable way. I love the image of someone massaging his neck, and I recognize that “thud” in the belly.

2. Comedian George Carlin, always a crack-up, wrote these gems about restaurant food and waffle irons in Brain Droppings:

“There are certain clues that tell you how much a restaurant will cost. If the word cuisine appears in the advertising, it will be expensive. If they use the word food, it will be moderately priced. However, if the sign says eats, even though you’ll save some money on food, your medical bills may be quite high.”

“I don’t like trendy food. When I hear, ‘sauteed boneless panda groin,’ I know I’m in the wrong place. There’s such a thing as pretentious food. Puree of woodchuck, marinated bat nipples, weasel chops, porcupine cacciatore. Or fried eagle. A guy said to me recently, ‘C’mon, we’ll go to Baxter’s, they have really great fried eagle.’ I’m thinkin’ to myself, “Do I really want to know this guy?”

On waffle irons:

“Why on earth would you want to iron a waffle? Wouldn’t that just flatten out all the little squares? No, I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course, should always be ironed.”

I find this stuff laugh-out-loud hilarious, especially the menu names. I crack up every time I read them. I’d be the perfect audience member if Carlin was still around to perform.

3. Consider the Onion, a parody news source with news features such as Doritos Celebrates 1 Millionth Ingredient. In a story about the burgeoning locavore movement, the punsters list suggestions on how to eat locally, such as:

• “Lucky Northfield, IL residents are in for a treat: They live practically next door to Kraft Foods headquarters, which means they can have all the Stove Top stuffing they want with no guilt.”
• “Tie one end of a 100-mile rope to your house and the other end to your waist to ensure that you only eat within that radius.”

I love the silly, giddiness of this writing, while it deftly skewers politically-correct thinking.

4. Sometimes a book that looks serious can give you a good belly laugh. That happened to me while reading Becky Selengut’s Good Fish: Sustainable Seafood Recipes from the Pacific Coast. Here’s a headnote for a recipe for Mussels with Bacon and Israeli Couscous:

“Dear Grandma: I know when you see the ingredients in this dish, it might give you pause, as you raised me to be a good Jew, but I want to remind you that, above all else, you taught me to see the humor in life. Isn’t it funny how I combined bacon and Israeli couscous with shellfish? Love, Becky. P.S. I had originally called this recipe ‘Bad Jew Stew’ but my editor thought that wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, so it could’ve been worse.”

She has more like this. Selengut’s goofy, happy headnotes make a serious book on sustainable seafood fun.

And finally, don’t forget last week’s post about the James Beard Foundation’s new humor award. It has generated tons of media attention due to the nomination of Ruth Bourdain’s tweets. The post includes links to the two other humor essays in the competition.

So, after reviewing these examples, do you have something funny to say about food? Give me a maximum of 250 words of original writing. Paste in something funny from a prior piece of writing or try something new, as an exercise.

If none of these examples have tickled your writing funny bone, give me a few lines of your favorite humorous food writing, and we’ll all have a good laugh, at the very least. Make sure to name the author. If none of the original entries make me laugh, maybe I’ll choose your post as the best overall entry.

Deadline is Sunday, April 17. The winner gets a copy of Lebovitz’s new paperback.

Update: Sharon Grave’s winning post, profiled here.

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If you made a New Year’s resolution to avoid white flour, white sugar and other processed foods, Deliciously Organic is the cookbook for you.

Modeled after Carrie Vitt’s blog of the same name, with pretty photographs by blogger Helene Dujardin, her book shows you how to prepare healthy, wholesome dishes without sacrificing taste.

Carrie asked me to edit the recipes for the book. At first, I was dubious about organic recipes, thinking that they wouldn’t be too different from regular ones, except the ingredients would all say “organic.”

But that misconception downplays the mouthwatering recipes and new (to me) cooking techniques and ingredients in the book. Even though I buy mostly organic products, I learned new things, such as using organic coconut oil to saute chicken, substituting stevia in place of sugar, and presoaking grains overnight to aid digestion.

Sometimes I took a break from editing to try recipes that sounded good, such as the Roasted Red Onion and Pear Salad. It never occurred to me to roast onion for a salad, and doing so heightened its sweetness.

The hardcover book is beautifully produced in full color with heavy, glossy paper, and a feminine script for recipe titles. It’s the first cookbook from International Focus Press. If you buy it through the publisher, you will be entered in a drawing for a Kitchen-Aid mixer or Cusinart food processor. IFP also hosts Source Notes on its website so Vitt can provide links to studies and articles.

Vitt (find out more about her in this feature article) was committed to a professional product. Testers who work for her mother’s catering business made every recipe and submitted comments. The recipes using whole grains were a challenge, as she found that straight substitutions didn’t work. She writes, “As my husband likes to say, we ate a lot of terrible pancakes during the transition.” To help readers along, she includes a section on why she made the change (she suffered from debilitating migraines), a glossary explaining unprocessed ingredients, and a realistic guide on how to make the change (discard one item and replace it with one new organic/unprocessed item in your pantry once a week.)

So if you’d like to win the signed copy Vitt sent me for this giveaway, leave a comment below by midnight, February 13, 2011. I’ll choose a winner through Random.org. Sorry, this contest is open to US residents only.

Update: The winner is Damaris of Kitchen Corners. Congratulations!

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Want to discover new food blogs for recipes and stories? Here’s a cookbook that shows you the passion and diversity of food bloggers who love to cook, from Vegan Visitor’s Cedar-Smoked Asparagus Soup in Toronto to The Suitcase Chef’s Orangette Tea Sandwiches in Vermont.

The folks at Foodista held a contest for the best blogger recipes and received 1500 entries in just three months. They counted votes from the Foodista community and announced the winners, compiling the top 100 into this large paperback, the Foodista Best of the Food Blogs Cookbook.

You’ll find a number of unusual recipes, such as Lovage Spritzers, Vegetarian Scotch Eggs, and Chef Wally’s Baked Papayas. While most entries are American, enthusiastic blogger recipes also come from Canada, England, Turkey and Germany. Each recipe includes a bio of the blogger and a link. Some headnotes tell you about the dish. Others tell stories about high school, culinary travels, and dishes inspired by restaurant meals and even Starbucks drinks.

Publisher Andrews-McMeel hired me to edit the recipes, a trying job (sorry) which resulted in two controversial posts: 7 Most Common Recipe Writing Errors, and  7 More Most Common Recipe Writing Errors. While the Foodista folks did not test every recipe, they definitely worked on those with unclear directions to smooth out the kinks.

Yes, you could print them all out, unedited, on the web, but that would be a pain. Why not apply to win this cookbook instead? Please enter by midnight PST on October 31, 2010. I’ll pick a winner at random. In appreciation of the cookbook’s international tone, this giveaway is open to everyone.

Update: The winner, chosen by Random.org, is Elyse Friedman.

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It took a friend, Stephanie Stiavetti of Wasabimon, to suggest I give away a copy of my own book, signed of course, and only after her giveaway of Will Write for Food ended on August 3.

How could I not come up with an idea this obvious? It mystifies me. Fortunately, I’ve got a brand new copy, possibly with your name on it. I’ll sign it using my special black Sharpie marker, saved for all book signing occasions.

If you haven’t read about the new edition of Will Write for Food yet, here’s my announcement post and a book review on Epicurious.com. I’ve also posted on the cover selection process and provided an excerpt about the reporting style of Kim Serverson of the New York Times.

The main thing about the second edition is that it’s enormous, around 100,000 words, and covers food blogging in addition to updated details on freelance writing, memoir, cookbooks, recipe writing, and even fiction. It’s aimed at people who want to get started as well as for established writers who want to brush up on their  skills or learn some new ones. I’ve written a huge new chapter on food blogging and expanded the self-publishing section to cover the latest advancements. There are new interviews, new resources, new insights, even new exercises to jumpstart your writing process.

Here’s what you need to do to enter. Because I’m still in the media blitz part of my book launch, I’d really appreciate your help. Please tweet about this giveaway (I stole this idea from Stephanie) by cutting and pasting the following as it appears:

Interested in food writing? Win a signed copy of @diannej’s Will Write for Food.  http://bit.ly/c2hEYl

Then leave a comment below to tell me you’ve done so. The comment will serve as your entry. Also tell me what specifically interests you about food writing. I’m always interested to know.

Please enter by midnight PST on August 16, 2010. I’ll pick a winner at random. In appreciation of my readers outside the US and Canada, this giveaway is open to everyone.

Update: Thank you so much to everyone who entered and tweeted. I used Random.org to select a winner, and number 10 came up. Congrats to Gail Dosik of One Tough Cookie!

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It’s been a while since I’ve held a food writing contest on this blog, so I thought I’d blast out another one, just for fun. This time, let’s have a simile writing contest.

Similes are comparisons that starts with “like” or “as,” for comparing two unlike things. Why would you want to use them? You need as many tools as possible in your writing toolbox. Similes are a welcome alternative to adjectives. They’re playful, making your writing fun to read. Restaurant reviewers are particularly good employers of similes because they spend a lot of time describing food.

Here’s an example from New York Times critic Sam Sifton. He compares two unlike things: a slice of slathered toast and kissing:

“The very first item on the menu at Marea is ricci, a piece of warm toast slathered with sea urchin roe, blanketed in a thin sheet of lardo, and dotted with sea salt. It offers exactly the sensation as kissing an extremely attractive person for the first time — a bolt of surprise and pleasure combined. The salt and fat give way to primal sweetness and combine in deeply agreeable ways. The feeling lingers on the tongue and vibrates through the body.”

Here’s another one from Pulitzer-prize winning critic Jonathan Gold, comparing a restaurant’s hot dog dish to the contents of a spilled ice chest:

“The dogs, which are high-quality franks from Chicago’s Vienna Sausage, are good, but the emphasis is clearly neither in their formulation nor on unusual sourcing — it is on what is done with them, whether wrapping them with jalapeño bacon in a Parmesan crisp as with the Holy Roller, tucking it under the pastrami in a classic Reuben sandwich, or burying it in barbecue sauce and potato salad, like a hot dog you’d find in an ice chest that accidentally tipped over in the back of the SUV.”

I hope these smile examples got you in the mood to write one of your own. Please enter your simile, on any topic related to food, within one week, by 6/24 at midnight PST.

To continue the theme of restaurant criticism, I’ll send the winner a copy of Born Round: The Secret History of a Full-time Eater, by Frank Bruni, former restaurant critic of the New York Times.

Update: And the winner is…Katy at Thought for Food, for her entire blog post on comparing lemon vinaigrette-dressed salad to a summer wardrobe.

Flickr photo used by permission.

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I didn’t intend to make book giveways such a focus of my blog but coincidentally, I have another one.

Somehow the buzz got out with my last giveway for Ready for Dessert and almost 200 people responded. I think it was David Lebovitz’s Facebook announcement. (He has what’s called a “platform,” you know.)

Right now this post is coming to you from sunny Rancho La Puerta in Mexico, one of the best spas in the world. I’m here to teach four 1-hour classes for people who are thinking about writing a book. They’ll have to fit me in between Pilates, massages and hikes.

I first came here last year in exchange for coaching on the ranch’s cookbook proposal, and now I’m lucky enough to come back. The book has done well too: It was nominated for a Beard award last year.

(Speaking of the Beards, follow along with my post on who’s nominated and what they wrote, read up on multiple-award winner Alan Richman and peruse what makes a book good enough to win a Beard.)

My agent thought I should celebrate my week at the ranch by giving away a copy of Cooking with the Seasons at Rancho La Puerta by ranch founder Deborah Szekely and writer Deborah Schneider. I should point out that my agent represents the authors, gave me this copy of the book, and recommended me to coach on the cookbook proposal. As you can see, book publishing is kind of incestuous. I’m happy to both disclose and make you the recipient of my good fortune.

Cooking with the Seasons is gorgeously photographed, with menu-based garden and ocean-based dishes. I made the Root Vegetables Roasted with Honey, Balsamic, and Spices as soon as I got back last year. These roasted veggies are  lively and habit-forming, not adjectives you’d normally use to describe turnips. I’ve also made the  show-stopping Broiled Oranges with Honey Yogurt and Pistachios (so easy), and the flavorful Baja Fish Tacos when I was in withdrawal after returning from Club Med Ixtapa. (I know. I’m very, very fortunate to teach at two resorts this year.)

Deborah Szekely invented the notion of a destination spa when she opened Rancho La Puerta in 1958. She was the spa’s first chef. Deborah Schneider is a food writer, working chef and  partner in the restaurant SOL Cocina in Newport Beach, CA, lives just 15 miles from the Mexican border. Her latest book is Amor Y Tacos: Modern Mexican Tacos, Margueritas, and Antojitos.

To enter to win Cooking With the Seasons, write a comment about Mexican food by May 9, 2010 at midnight PST. Contest rules: You must live in the US. One entry per person. The winner must respond within a week. If not I will choose another winner.

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I’m new to this giveaway thing. I think it’s going well, but my style of announcing giveaways has been all over the place.

With my first two giveaways, I reviewed the books. Then I ran into a snag. I knew the author of the third book, so I just interviewed Deborah Madison instead of reviewing her cookbook, because I knew I couldn’t be objective about a friend I met more than 10 years ago.

Now we come to David Lebovitz, another friend I adore, and I have a fourth way to handle this giveaway. I’m going to talk about his video, and a little about the book, and a little about David, one of the nicest, most talented, smartest, funniest and most generous food writers I’ve ever met. (See, I told you I couldn’t be objective.)

One of the dilemmas facing someone with a blog as huge as David’s is that  it’s a challenge for his publisher to reach as many potential buyers for Ready for Dessert: My Best Recipes. After all, his blog has more annual readers than at least two of the top national food magazines. So Ten Speed Press agreed to do a video with a James Beard award-winning documentary filmmaker David had met earlier in France.

“I wanted to do something snappy that wasn’t just me talking to the camera, or cooking,” explained David. “I wanted to show Paris, too, since that’s part of my life and my story. Mark from Flow Films shot the whole thing in HD on his Canon DSLR and we kind of went and just did it. I put a notice on Twitter that anyone who wanted to come taste cookies should show up!  Then we also went into some shops, like the chocolate shop of Jacques Genin and a motorcycle shop to get the opinions.”

Author David Lebovitz

Apparently publishers are doing more of these promo videos. Says Aaron Wehner, publisher of Ten Speed Press, “We are doing videos for most of our lead cooking titles in Fall. The cost can range from $1,000 to $5,000  for something professionally done, depending on length, number of locations etc.  We’ve been doing book trailers for a few years (see Alinea and Peter Reinhardt, among others) but David’s came off particularly well.” I agree. Like David, the video is warm, fun, and funny.

Now, on to the book itself. It’s a big, hardcover, classy looking cookbook, full of dramatic photography and doable recipes. I made the huge Apple-Pear Crisp with Grappa-Soaked Raisins and Polenta Topping. It served 6 at dinner easily and made spectacular leftovers, even when cold. I also made Cranzacs, David’s riff on Anzac cookies, a chewy, coconutty oatmeal cookie that my husband assured me will be gone before I get back from IACP’s annual conference this coming Saturday night. I’m hoping to make more recipes before I have to give this book away, including his famous Fresh Ginger Cake.

And speaking of giveaways, if you’d like this book, please write a comment below on your favorite dessert. I’ll chose a winner by midnight April 26. Contest rules: You must live in the US (Sorry, fellow Canadians). One entry per person. If the winner does not respond within a week, I will choose someone else.

Update: Winner is Elizabeth Greene. Congratulations!

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Six years ago Deborah Madison started working on a cookbook she called “Desserts for the Pastry Impaired.”

“Pastry chefs are exacting people who have a deep sense about measurement and clean aprons,” she explains. “Cooking is more intuitive, more relaxed, with more opportunities to taste and adjust.” She wanted to write a less rigid book about desserts.

As she wrote the book, the focus gradually changed to fruit, a natural for someone with a bent towards produce. “When you’re working on a book it talks to you in different ways over time,” she says. Apparently it talked to the editor in a different way too. Madison found out her editor regarded her title as a placeholder. “That kind of changed things,” Deborah admits good-naturedly.

She was already three years into the project when it shifted, but that was fine. Seasonal Fruit Desserts: From Orchard, Farm, and Market stayed “in the background, although I was always working on it.” 

Here’s what she was doing in the foreground. She wrote three other cookbooks: What We Eat When We Eat Alone: Stories and 100 Recipes; Vegetarian Suppers from Deborah Madison’s Kitchen; and Vegetable Soups from Deborah Madison’s Kitchen.

No stranger to working on challenging projects in tandem, Deb had opened a restaurant during the first two years of writing her enormous reference work, Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone. It took another four years to finish. While managing a farmer’s market she wrote Local Flavors, visiting 100 farmer’s markets around the country.

This most recent cookbook about fruit desserts lent itself to a longer writing period anyway. Because the key ingredients were seasonal, sometimes she had to leave her home in New Mexico and travel to find particular fruits and work with them.

“New Mexico isn’t exactly fruit rich or dependable. If there’s a late freeze, it’s not uncommon to have a year in New Mexico without stone fruit,” she explains. Even the book’s photo shoot took place during two seasons: One in October, at the end of the stone fruit season and the beginning of fall fruits; and another in the spring.

“I like to think about a subject for a long time; travel and read and visit farmer’s markets and live a life that becomes a background for what I’m writing,” says Deborah. “One of the things that’s hard for food writers today with such involvement with blogs and social media is feeling like you have to be visible all the time and have a bottomless pit of ideas. But what I write about has to come out of my life, and that means taking the time to live it.“ 

Deborah’s gorgeously-photographed new book contains recipes for compotes, tarts and pies, cakes, cobblers and crisps, puddings and gelees, sauces, and fruits that go well with cheese. So if you’d like a copy of Seasonal Fruit Desserts, please write me a note about which fruit you love best and how you cook or bake with it.

Contest rules: You must live in the US (Sorry, fellow Canadians). One entry per person. I will pick a winner by April 19, 2010 and email that person. If the winner does not respond within a week, I will choose someone else.

Disclaimers: I’ve known Deborah for more than 10 years. Because she’s a friend, I am incapable of anything other than wild enthusiasm about her new book, hence this interview rather than a book review. I asked her publisher for a copy to give away on this blog.

Update: Winner is Lisa Waldschmidt. See her comment below.

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I like a little controversy and contention. It makes the comments on this blog more interesting. James E. McWillams, author of Just Food: Where Locavores Get it Wrong and How We Can Truly Eat Responsibly, has the same idea.

A historian and former fellow in the Agrarian Studies Program at Yale University, McWilliams argues that the concept of food miles (how far food travels to get to your supermarket shelves)  is flawed and makes little progress toward the ultimate goal of sustainable production. Read his New York Times Op-Ed piece for a sample of his thinking.

Those are fighting words here in the politically-correct San Francisco Bay Area. But in the book, he argues “there’s a complex story to tell about food and the distance it travels,” and he delves into his research with gusto.

McWillliams also explains why organic food is not the answer to America’s broken food system and tries to make a case for genetically-modified food. It’s not all heresy. He makes a cogent, passionate argument for  eating less meat to help save the planet. See, he’s a complicated guy, making arguments on both sides of the fence — a nettle to both Alice Waters and the American Meat Institute.

If you’d like to read his book, leave a comment here about your view of eating responsibly and I’ll pick a winner at random by April 5, 2010.

Contest rules: You must live in the US. One entry per person. I will pick a winner at random and email that person. If the winner does not respond within a week, I will choose someone else.

Update: The winner is Candace of Epiphany Press.

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Please help me celebrate my first book giveaway by signing up to win Tips Cooks Love: Over 500 Tips, Techniques, and Shortcuts That Will Make You a Better Cook! 

I thought this cookbook reference companion might be a timely choice, based on the arguments in my most popular post, The Top 10 Terms to Avoid in Recipes. You’ll find no assumptions here about how to cook and bake, only helpful, knowledgeable information. In fact, on p. 57 is an explanation of the term “blanch,” one of the words in my list.

While I assumed Tips Cooks Love targets novice cooks, I found lots to interest me. Regarding the age-old debate about whether to lower the temperature when using glass baking dishes, for example, veteran cookbook author Rick Rodgers says to forget that and decrease cooking time, because glass speeds up browning.

Two other tips I liked are his warning not to refrigerate scone and muffin batters overnight. Batters with baking soda won’t rise, and those with baking powder will rise less. To perk up drab brown sauces, he suggests a tablespoon or two of tomato paste to deepen the color and brighten the flavor.

Because this book is geared to customers of Sur La Table, the book’s co-author, there’s a heavy focus on products to purchase at their stores, such as steel cookware, clay cookers, and meat pounders. And there is no Table of Contents, as the book is organized alphabetically, with opening pages listing the topics in each section.

Overall, Rodgers’ extensive experience as a talented cooking teacher and cookbook author comes through in this useful reference guide. So leave your name below, and I’ll pick a winner by March 15, 2010.

Contest rules: You must live in the US. One entry per person. I will pick a winner at random and email that person. If there is no response within a week, I will choose someone else.

[Disclosure: I have worked for both Sur La Table and the book's publisher, Andrews-McMeel. I was not involved with this book.]

Update: Smith Bites, the first commenter for my first giveaway, won this book.

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